I often struggle with existence. It's a pain in the ass sometimes. Is there really meaning to it? I mean if the Bible were true then yeah it would and yeah life'd be a tad bit more clear and I'd know what to do. At the end of the day, the one thing that I really would want to do is to discover that one truth that would be the pillar to life. I've always been taught that Christianity was that pillar. Many times I've professed that that indeed is what I consider to be my pillar. But why do I do this? Why do I affirm to something that is just a little beyond reasoning that requires faith? May I propose that I may be ..scared? Scared that perhaps it is true and that if I don't partake in this set of beliefs that I will have to endure an eternity of God-less hellfire, whatever that means. Well I suppose that's not the answer to why I want to know the reason for life. A more appropriate answer would be that I just want to make sense of reality. I've never really liked reality much. It's a pain to live sometimes and, really, I want to know why I continually allow myself to go through with this absurdity. I want to know why I have to stay here.. study.. get a job.. interact with people.. and whatever else 'life' entails. I guess a lot of people are comfortable with reality and its perks, ok with living their lives. I suppose I'm more of the other end of that spectrum. Does anyone ever really find out the answer or am I going to end up sitting here in this state until I finally realize the futility of the search and give up. I sincerely hope it's not the latter.